How I Met Your Mother And Your Aunts And Uncles Got Together And Also How I Banged Lots Of Other Girls Would be a more accurate title.
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) April 5, 2014
Whoa, hold up I’m on twitter because I don’t like to talk to people, calm down with the @’s
— Dena (@denaschmucker) April 3, 2014
Ew, you smoke? Don’t you know that shaves time off your life? *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
— Matt Donaher (@SimplyMattD) April 7, 2014
Seeing is believing. Except in religion, where the opposite is true. — God (@TheTweetOfGod) April 5, 2014
Endorphins are my favorite brain chemicals that sound like killing a homeless child.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) March 29, 2014
I like how, in the near-future Los Angeles of “Her,” most dudes dress like Mr. Rogers. — Kevin Allison (@TheKevinAllison) April 7, 2014
You shouldn’t reuse plastic water bottles, b/c the plastic leaks toxins into the water that interfere with the toxins we leak into the water
— Illuminati News (@news_illuminati) April 7, 2014